Clear Seeing for Improved Relationships

​Everything in life is relative.  Even painful relationships provide the opportunity to know ourselves better.
 
I’m reminded of the time I was weeding between heirloom tomato and patty pan plants.  The shallow growing weeds were easy to uproot, but they spread themselves out under the hairy tomato branches, to which I’m allergic, and into the spiny squash plant.  By the time I was done weeding, I was scratched and itching badly.  

In the same way, relationships can frustrate and leave us feeling prickly towards the other person.  Some relationships with colleagues, family, and friends can’t just be discarded, but have to be regularly tended to, much like a garden. And we may emerge from these engagements feeling bruised and upset. To maintain connection and still feel safe and empowered during these interactions we can try to use them as learning opportunities.
 
To build and improve relationships we must recognize our own contribution to the dynamic. This requires an honest look at ourselves.
 
Each one of us has work to do on ourselves. With this candid and clear acknowledgement, we can leverage the difficulties we may be facing with loved ones or colleagues to forge an honest relationship with ourselves.
 
It is common for us to unconsciously project our failings or desires onto others (projection).  Ironically we are blind to our own growth areas or challenging behavior because we can always justify or reason away our attitude or behavior. However that blind spot becomes apparent when we point a finger at someone else.  
 
So use this opportunity to make clear your own stumbling blocks.

• If you find yourself accusing someone either verbally or mentally, then immediately stop and look to see if you have that same fault.  If you are brave and have a trusted confidant then ask that person if they see that trait in you.
• Reflect or journal about the things that irritate you about your spouse, sibling, friend, and boss and then look for that same irritant in yourself.  Empathetic recognition of a shared habit of worrying, being irritable, or impatient may halt criticism and save you and the other person from unwanted aggravation.
• Pay attention to the thoughts you think about others, as this will give you clues about your attitude towards the person, and it will reveal triggers to your unconscious reactivity during interactions with him/her.   
• In the same way we aren’t able to see our faults, the person we are upset with may also be hard pressed to recognize his/her hang-ups.  So giving the person the benefit of doubt, or being tolerant and patient will help ease the tension and reveal your own capacity for empathy.
• Use the upset, resentment, or sadness you may be feeling to examine the cause of your feelings. This kind of inner work is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships with yourself and the people around you.

 
Just like in gardening, you have to get your hands dirty to get a bountiful yield; you must be willing to uproot your ignorance (unconscious habits, attitudes, reactivity) so you can have fulfilling, meaningful relationships.  This will take effort and time, but the reward will be knowing yourself, your coping ability in stressful encounters, your priorities, and of course, having happier relationships.
 
May your relationships thrive through clear seeing.

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