I’ve been thinking about the destructiveness of self-hatred or self-anger. Then I happened to hear a wonderfully clear presentation on this topic by Venerable Thubten Chodron (abbess of Sravasti Abbey in Washington State). I’ve pulled her main points to share with you.
Anger at ourselves comes from self-criticism. This habit of picking on ourselves habituates us to criticize others. In other words, when we practice negative self-talk, we will find it easy to think badly of the people we come into contact with.
Self-hate can also manifest in the belief that we are responsible for things going wrong for ourselves and others. Not only is this kind of thinking ignorant but it is also arrogant. We aren’t so powerful, nor are we in control of the innumerable factors that need to come together to give rise to a situation.
The Buddha taught that everything is a dependent arising; this means that every single experience and phenomenon comes into being, functions, and ceases as a result of many causes, conditions, parts, and a mind that labels the experience or situation. So thinking that we alone can make things go wrong is completely unrealistic.
According to Thubten Chodron, anger at ourselves arises because we take responsibility for things that aren’t our responsibility, and deny responsibility for things that are our fault.
As an example, you advise a friend who is about to go down a path that will cause her pain. Your intention is to help your friend avoid a problem. But your friend misunderstands, and angrily accuses you of judging her and not being supportive. Feeling bad about damaging your relationship, you begin judging yourself for having spoken too quickly and not agreeing with her. You blame yourself for your friend’s unhappiness.
In this case: we need to remind ourselves that our intention was to help our friend and wasn’t meant to cause her pain. Her anger and misunderstanding is more to do with her state of mind, beliefs and expectations, internalized anger, or perhaps a sensitivity that easily triggered her. This next point isn’t easy for us to always remember, but it is nonetheless important for us to ponder: her anger doesn’t make us a bad person and shouldn’t cause us to loathe ourselves.
We aren’t responsible for her unhappiness nor her happiness. In fact we can’t make anyone else happy. The challenge with attempting to live our lives trying to make other people happy is almost impossible because people and the things that will make them happy are always changing from moment to moment. We can only ever make ourselves happy.
We can remind ourselves of our positive intention and then try to move on. We can accept ourselves as we are. If we can, we should resolve to ask friends if they’d be interested in hearing our thoughts before sharing them.
As much as we aren’t responsible for someone’s happiness, we are, however, responsible for our own actions.
Anger at ourselves can worsen when we don’t take responsibility for our actions where our intention may not have been honorable. For instance, we say to our brother, who is sensitive about being overweight, that he looks healthy and must be eating well. Even though our words seem innocent enough, our intention was to deliberately antagonize him. When he gets upset at being criticized, we pretend innocence, and say we didn’t mean anything by it, and accuse him of being too sensitive.
So even though we may get away with deceiving others of our motives, within ourselves we feel unease because we know our devious intention. This inner discomfort contributes to our self-loathing. Oftentimes we struggle to admit to ourselves our own meanness or ill will, but denying it can create guilt.
We can confess and acknowledge our guilt to the people we’ve harmed. Or we can make amends to them and decide that we’ll change our unhelpful behavior. If we aren’t able to change right away then we can set the intention for the next hour, week, or year etc. to not act in this way again. We can also set the intention to be mindful in situations that are likely to bring out this tendency of ours. And we can forgive ourselves for our human failing.
May you be fearless in freeing yourself from self hate
We all go through smooth sailing days when we feel good about ourselves. But we also experience challenging stressful days when it isn’t easy to be gentle and forgiving of ourselves.
In spite of all we do and have accomplished in our lives, we struggle to remain connected to a sense of our basic goodness that remains untouched by the cruel or shameful things we occasionally say, do, and think. Our human brain, according to Psychologist Rick Hanson defaults to calm caring contentment when it is undisturbed by fear, pain, or loss.
To keep our brains in this state of serenity, and to practice feeling good about ourselves, follow these guidelines.
1. Actively notice and savor (let the experience fill your mind and body) the moments when you are appreciated, thought of, valued, honored, and loved.
2. Trust in your intelligence and inner coping abilities to deal with the challenges life throws at you.
3. Rely on your strength and adopt the attitude that everything – good or bad -- that happens to you is something you’ll not only survive, but actively learn from to benefit yourself and others.
4. Monitor your thoughts. Recognize and let go of negative thoughts and instead shift your focus to new ideas that will lead you to peace.
5. Focus on being patient, persevering and expanding your perspective; use difficulties to grow your self-knowledge and esteem.
6. Check your expectations about yourself and others. Remember that life is filled with disappointments, deal with your feelings, and then use the situation to empower yourself.
7. Pay attention to your good intentions, actions, thoughts, and speech which arise from your basic goodness. These can be moments when your heart is touched, you bite your tongue, and you are generous, helpful, loving, and patient. When people aren’t “being cooperative”, rather than thinking they are out to get you, choose not to be insulted, to not get angry and lash out or react. Instead ask yourself what your good-natured self would want to do in that situation.
8. Acknowledge your fears, and remind yourself that by facing and overcoming fear we become stronger.
9. Recognizing other people’s goodness reminds us of our own good nature. It can be as simple as this story I recently heard. A woman was driving a teacher to a class and they were running late. They came to a STOP sign and as she impatiently waited for their turn to move, she heard the teacher gently remark on the kindness of all the drivers for stopping.
This story illustrates the importance of every small act of kindness adding up to create a world of greater safety, peace and joy for all beings and the planet. It all begins with not harming others or ourselves, and recognizing our basic goodness.
May you become familiar with your true nature.
With our lives being as busy as they are - long to-do lists, overflowing in boxes/baskets, and never-ending repetitive tasks - how many of us feel comfortable taking time to rest?
Personally this is a huge struggle for me. As I always feel I have courses to update, classes to plan, a business to market, and articles to write, I usually debate with myself on whether I can afford to take a nap, or simply sit and just enjoy a cup of tea. My habit is to force myself to keep going despite being fatigued in mind and body.
Years of perpetuating this habit has revealed its futility:
What is Rest?
True rest and relaxation means completely being at ease without planning or striving, feeling pressure, or worrying about what needs to be done. Resting or simply doing nothing heals our overall being.
For those whose racing mind won’t let you put up your feet when your inbox is full, Psychologist Rick Hanson urges reflecting on your beliefs or fears about resting. Some common mental and emotional obstacles to rest are:
To undermine the mindset that associates rest with failing, ask yourself: What am I afraid of? Whose approval am I seeking? Does being busy make me feel useful? Does a busy routine really keep me on top? Am I really useless when I take time off?
The benefits of relaxing or napping I can speak of personally. I’ve noticed after a nap, I wake up refreshed with a clear mind, energized, optimistic, and confident that I can cope with my work load, and be ready to face whatever comes my way.
Ways to Rest:
Try resting at least 5 minutes every day. But if you don't do so, be gentle with yourself as the simplest way to unwind is to practice self-compassion. When our minds are peaceful we feel rested.
May your rest heal your mind, emotions, and body.
Self-compassion is challenging for many of us. We often find it easier to be kind and forgiving towards others for their mistakes, or to be moved to help others in need, but struggle with practicing gentle friendliness towards ourselves.
Some people believe that being harshly critical of their shortcomings and inadequacies keeps them disciplined or motivated. Self-compassion is about accepting that we aren’t perfect, and that like all human beings, we struggle with difficulties. Dr. Kristin Neff suggests that personal changes like wanting to be healthy or happy should be motivated by the mindset of caring for oneself, and not from the belief of being unworthy or in wanting to be perfect. These beliefs cause us to suffer.
The Buddha talked about the 2 arrows. The first arrow is the actual event that causes pain or distress. The second arrow is the rumination or emotional reaction i.e. judgments, denials, blaming -- in short the stories we tell about the experience, which increases our suffering. The first arrow has happened, but the second is avoidable.
The way to avoid the second arrow is through contemplating our experiences and practicing self-compassion.
3 Step Self Compassion Meditation (Dr. Kristin Neff)
Each line of affirmation offers three different wording options. Use the one that feels most comfortable for you.
Suffering is part of life/Everyone feels this way sometimes/This is part of being human,
May I be kind to myself in this moment/May I love and support myself right now/May I accept myself as I am,
May I give myself the compassion I need/ May I remember that I’m worthy of compassion/May I give myself the same compassion I would give to a friend.
The wording is designed to bring mindful awareness to the hurt we are currently experiencing. It reminds us of our shared suffering and thereby alleviates our isolation and stress. In the midst of the pain, we are gently reminded to practice self-kindness. And we consciously set the intention to behave in a kind way towards ourselves.
Memorize the lines that feel most soothing to you. Practice even when you aren’t in distress. That way, when you notice you are judging or beating yourself up, these words will easily come to mind.
May you be filled with self-kindness.
News headlines are dominated by catastrophes, conflicts and controversies. Reporting is sensationalistic and biased, and is designed to deliberately manipulate and trigger our well-honed predispositions and instincts. These stories are slanted to evoke fear, outrage, despair, and worry in us.
With this awareness foremost in our minds, every time we turn on our televisions, watch or read online news, we should have a reliable method (according to Ponlop Rinpoche) to mindfully consume the news and deal with strong emotions.
1. Respond not React
Before turning on your phone or television, breathe deeply into your belly, and check in regularly with your breath and feelings throughout. It is worthwhile to know which situations or current issues evoke strong feelings, and to make a conscious decision to respond rather than react when that issue arises. This skill of responding is beneficial for our overall well-being.
2. Different Perspectives
Know that every situation or issue has different perspectives and supporters. To lessen your reactivity and broaden your mind, read international reports and other accounts of the situation. Doing this kind of research automatically pulls us out of our tight focus, and give us a bird’s eye view of the situation. Distance decreases emotion, and increases clarity and wisdom.
3. Training the Mind
Decide in advance that you will use the news as the opportunity to train your mind and grow your knowledge about yourself. So as you read or watch the news, let one part of your mind be calmly observing your reactions, thoughts, feelings and attitudes. We know how to split our minds in this manner. For e.g. we do it when we are walking and talking: one part of the mind is watching where we place our foot and another is tracking the conversation. This practice of detached observation of ourselves will train the mind to be more controlled.
4. Seeing the Commonalities/Inter-Connectedness
We can also use the news to grow our understanding of those we oppose. This doesn’t mean we condone everything or even agree with them. The choice here is to shift the focus away from our differences and onto our commonalities. We make the choice/choose to be tolerant, expansive and kind towards the people we disagree with. We try to understand their point of view and emotions around the issue.
We grow this sense of shared experience by recognizing that they are just like me: they want happiness and not sadness, they care for their loved ones, and they suffer fears, vulnerabilities and worries just as I do. And for victims of natural and man-made disasters we send them loving kindness, or wishes to be free from their pain..
Be kind to yourself when you forget to follow these steps. Here too, use your own experience of forgetting and your response to forgetting for reflection and growth.
May all our experiences lead us to freedom and happiness.
It’s already February, and for some of us, maintaining our new year’s resolutions may be starting to become a little harder. With the cold, dark, rainy days we’ve been having, I personally have been struggling to get up and get to the gym at my usual time. So knowing how challenging it can be to follow through on our good intentions, here are some quick pointers on maintaining enthusiasm, determination, and drive on the path to beneficial change.
No matter what goal or resolution you’ve set for yourself - meditating, working out, dieting, or saving - the five points below will be helpful:
Remind yourself of your intrinsic motivation.
Sit down and take a few calming breaths. Then contemplate what satisfies and dissatisfies you about your life. Something spurred you to the resolution you took, so get back in touch with it. Reflecting on the reasons for that decision will motivate you again.
Another benefit of this kind of review is it will show if you need to adjust the scope and size of your goal. Having a manageable goal is the most important element for a successful outcome.
Review the benefits.
One of the best ways to inspire yourself is to make a list of the benefits. Put these on post-it notes or index cards, then keep them on your bedside table and tape them to your bathroom mirror. Review the benefits of this new habit or program you’ve undertaken as often as possible.
On the flip side, try to avoid evaluating your progress too often and too soon as this can discourage you. Set up a realistic time frame to help you get a clear picture of your short term progress and to inspire you towards a long term lifestyle change.
If your resolution is to begin meditating, losing weight, or improving your relationships with loved ones or colleagues, then having a physical representation or reminder is very powerful motivator. You could keep a journal or scrapbook in which you put photographs of those people or your goal, or create a vision board that you hang on your bedroom wall. Look at these often to inspire you when your motivation is running low.
Recall and celebrate your gains.
Celebrate your successes. Taking the time to acknowledge your effort and discipline, and feeling proud of yourself is not vanity. Acknowledging our progress remind us of our abilities and our strengths, and helps create positive memories around these achievements, which is inspiring.
Be vigilant when you are out celebrating. If your goal is shedding a few pounds, be mindful not to harm your weight loss plan, or if it’s to work out or meditate in the morning, then don't stay out until 3 am.
Journal your successes and the changes you are noticing; read these entries often to keep them fresh in your mind and to increase your determination.
As with all new habits, it is normal to slip up. Try not to lose hope. Remind yourself that all habits take time to build.
If you are going to use energy, then use it wisely – not to beat yourself up, but to instead practice kindness towards yourself.
Remember every moment presents the opportunity to start anew.
All the very best. May you succeed in living your ideal life.
A new year is here. What a perfect time for reflecting on the year that has ended and on our goals for the New Year.
Reflection is revealing.
It shows our current situation, reminds us of our successes and struggles, reveals how well we’ve honored our values, and teaches us about ourselves. Knowing these vital starting points helps us plot our path towards greater happiness, purpose, and fulfillment.
Much like using Google Maps you have to plug in your current location in order to plot the route to your destination; recognizing your present condition helps you chart a course to your goals.
If we don’t examine our lives, we remain stuck. And we are doomed to repeat behaviors hoping they will produce different results. At dinner with friends not too long ago, one of the men said in a self-deriding manner that he knew his purchase of a motorcycle was going to make him happy. His sarcasm didn’t decrease the lurking hope that this time, this purchase was going to bring him happiness.
Self-reflection can be uncomfortable. However, the discomfort of our discoveries is minor when compared to the benefits of unearthing the path to happiness.
The benefits of reflection are:
5 Minute Self-Reflection Practice:
Remember, self-reflection is fueled by tenderness, and especially an attitude of discovery or willingness to learn about oneself. So be kind to yourself as you undertake this practice. (Be mindfully aware of how quickly a criticizing or judgmental attitude drains your strength and passion for discovery.)
Lie down or sit comfortably. Bring awareness to your body on your seat or bed. Then shift your attention to your breathing at the lower belly. Rest in this gentle rise and fall of your abdomen for a few breaths.
Begin by recalling a situation or experience. Try to avoid choosing a traumatic experience, but instead start with a positive/happy situation, or with an incident that just mildly irritated you.
Now replay the situation:
Give space for emotions, feelings and thoughts to arise. End the contemplation by becoming aware of your breathing and then the room.
To reinforce what you learned about yourself and to remind you of the value of contemplation, consider journaling your practice.
May your reflections guide you to happiness.
Before you speak, always ask yourself: “is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?” --The Buddha
How does gossip differ from conversation? The distinction may seem too obvious to warrant deeper analysis. However, even if we are quite clear on the difference, it doesn’t hurt to clarify again what we already know. For e.g. a silver vase left untouched on a shelf for years on end will tarnish unless it’s polished again, so too does our understanding of things we already know. Therefore a re-view of what we know is essential to keeping our mind alert, open and bright. By doing this, understanding shifts from being merely intellectual to becoming experiential.
In our everyday interactions, we can easily slip from conversation to gossip without awareness. Gossiping’s most insidious danger is that it can so easily masquerade as normal everyday conversation.
Last weekend a friend came to visit. We are two women who are intensely curious about life, and we thoroughly enjoy debating and discussing religion, politics, literature and travel.Of course, we both also share common friends. After hours of chatting from Friday afternoon late into the evening, I awoke Saturday morning startled and ashamed to realize that we’d ended up gossiping about a friend.
Our socialized upbringing inculcates in us the protocol of following up a greeting with a query into a person’s health and life situation. We do this when we are face to face with someone, and if we share mutual acquaintances, friends or family then we also often ask after people who aren’t present.
And therein lies the danger. The seamless transition from curiosity and even perhaps healthy human interest in another person’s well-being can quickly devolve to tittle tattle. Gossip doesn't only happen in face to face interactions, but can also occur in social media and email settings.
Webster’s dictionary defines gossip as casual unconstrained conversation about someone else involving details that may be unconfirmed. We often think that gossip is only saying bad things about a person, sharing private information and lying about the person. But gossip is also speculating, wondering about, analyzing and judging someone else, and then sharing those mental cogitations and opinions with others.
Ironically even if we enjoy listening to gossip, we don’t like to be thought of or think of ourselves as gossip mongers. This is because it harms the speaker, the listener, and the subject of gossip. It makes the gossip monger a pariah and untrustworthy; it poisons the mind of the listener, and can destroy the reputation and good standing of the subject. The effect of gossip spreads quickly like one tiny drop of black dye in a bucket of clean water, it tints and taints all of the water.
So how do we undo this destructive habit?
The “I” word is paramount – Intention. Know your intention for speaking about someone else. Sometimes you really do need to solicit confidential advice from another person regarding someone you are concerned about. But you have to be absolutely clear on your intention for speaking about the other person. To check your motivation, ask yourself:
The second important step is to become alert and mindful during the conversation to catch when the discussion is slipping into the danger zone. So then you must:
Gossiping isn’t an easy habit to break. But it is a habit and as such it can be worked on. Even if we don’t totally eradicate the habit, our consistent effort to avoid it will be hugely beneficial. So the next time you sit down with a friend for a catch up - on the phone or in person - be mindful of your speech and aware of your intention.
Know that if you’ve formed a friendship around gossiping, then this change in your behavior could impact that relationship. It may leave you open to becoming the brunt of gossip. Here again, your motivation for changing this unhealthy habit will help you negotiate your path forward to happier and kinder way of living. When we are rejoicing and genuinely happy for someone's success and appreciative of their good qualities, then even though we may be speaking about the person, it isn't gossip.
May you always speak with awareness and kindness.
As long as a society protects…the vulnerable among them, [it] can be expected to prosper and not decline. --The Buddha
My 95 year old friend in South Africa was telling me about the bird lice infestation of her tiny apartment, and the bites and rashes she was suffering all over her face and chest. She’d found half a bird’s nest behind her wardrobe, and while trying to move the wardrobe, it fell apart because termites had eaten through it. Too afraid to sleep on her infested bed, she asked the manager of her old-age-home complex if she could sleep in one of the vacant flats while her place was being fumigated; the person said no. So she ended up sleeping, for a few nights, in a chair out in a cold corridor leading to her flat.
When I was speaking to her, she was sitting in the armchair in the midst of her devastated home: her clothes lying outside near her front door, and her other possessions strewn around her. She said to me in an exhausted voice: “I wish I could die”. This feisty intelligent woman wanted to report the incident to the local newspaper, but was also afraid to make a fuss because she could be kicked out of her home.
This heartbreaking struggle of the elderly to keep a home, survive, be seen and respected is occurring in California too. Here seniors have to choose between paying for rent, for medical expenses, or eating. Landlords force out lower-rent-paying seniors to get in higher paying renters, which unfortunately makes seniors destitute. What does the ill treatment of our most vulnerable populations: the elderly, the young, and ill within our society say about us?
Then this week the White House proposed an almost 20% tax cut for corporations. Budget proposals have already been announced to cut social service programs like “Meals on Wheels”, children’s school lunches, and women’s health services. Not to mention the devastating budget cut to the Environmental Protection Agency. This means money will be given back to businesses, and taken away from the neediest populations.
We are interdependent beings who live on one planet. The fate of one affects us all. If you suffer, I suffer. If the planet is ill, I’m ill.
Everything we do and, for that matter, all we buy is so we can be happy. Contrary to common belief, to become truly happy, we should think of others. This is counter intuitive but here’s how it works.
All beings want to be happy. No one wants to suffer and yet we all do.
When we think only of ourselves, we become unhappy. This doesn’t mean we should never think of ourselves, or always prioritize others needs over our own. Our responsibility is also to take care of our survival. But if we focus only on always fulfilling our own desires and wants over the needs of others, then we inadvertently increase our suffering.
Desire breeds more desire. We know how quickly the glow fades after a purchase of a new car, or handbag or after a delicious meal or fancy holiday. The happiness we gain from possessions and externally is by nature temporary: company shareholders always wanting bigger profits, children wanting more toys and games, parents wanting the latest gadgets and fashions and on it goes. When our desire for more, bigger and better overruns our willingness to share, aid and benefit the less fortunate, then we grow increasingly unhappy.
Our ego and its wishes become primary when we cherish ourselves. This mindset makes us greedy, competitive, possessive, and aggressive in our struggle to have the most, and remain the best. To maintain position, possessions and power, we lie, cheat, steal and so on. This drive increases our misery because we are constantly worried and agitated about losing what we have. Ironically, we set out trying to achieve whatever it is we think will make us happy, and inadvertently increase our suffering.
On the other hand, our sense of well-being, peace and joy increases when we help others. Reflect back on the times when you were most satisfied, pleased and happy. Most often it is when we did something nice for someone, or lifted up another person. Notice your feelings the next time you allow someone to go ahead of you in a queue, or you help a coworker on a project, or you cook a meal for your sick neighbor, or you give someone the benefit of the doubt. These concessions don’t diminish us. They reveal our innate compassion.
As social animals, compassion is in our nature. When our mind and heart expands, we naturally open up, connect and stretch beyond our comfort zone. We recognize the pain and feelings of our fellow beings because it is our shared human experience. At the end of the day, we are all struggling to rise above the pain of living in a world that is unsettling and challenging.
If we tap into our deepest self, we’ll reconnect with our natural empathy, kindness and compassion. After all, our shared experience is both pain and joy. Our willingness to honour this side of our nature will not only make a difference in someone’s life but will also bring us joy.
May your compassion bring you lasting peace and happiness.
The other day at Home Depot, two men got into a heated argument over who had broken the queue. One of the men, a giant over 6ft, stalked over to the shorter man, and looming over him challenged and swore him. The shorter man, visibly pale, but furious tried to act macho as he weakly parried insult for insult. I watched horror stricken, hoping they wouldn’t come to blows.
When I was in India a couple of months ago, I got into an argument with a few people who I thought were trying to cheat me. I related this incident to students in my meditation class. One student asked me if I felt good after angrily telling them off. I said no because I was embarrassed at having forgotten my training and losing my cool. And my ranting hadn’t changed the outcome.The futility of anger is clarified in this quote by the 8th Century Indian Buddhist monk Shantideva:
“If something can be remedied, why get upset? If something can’t be remedied, why get upset?”
Venting my anger had only succeeded in making my body tremble, heart race, and left me feeling exhausted and impotent. I had wasted energy but had achieved nothing of benefit. I could tell my answer hadn’t satisfied her or many other students.
I’ve since thought more about her question. We assume that when we vent our anger we are at least not letting ourselves be taken advantage of and we are fighting back. These were certainly the thoughts and feelings flashing through me during my Indian altercation.
We are living in challenging times in a world and country that’s polarized, where distrust and distress are growing every day. With the daily onslaught to our civil and social rights and the loss of human life in racial attacks, there's good reason to be upset, but we should be careful not to vent our anger.
Anger isn’t bad, but it is unhealthy. Sometimes it is justified. The trouble with it though is that even if the anger is valid, becoming enraged is not a skillful response. Anger can make us feel powerful. And while it may occasionally get us what we want, as a long term strategy for dealing with frustration it isn’t effective. Anger is destructive to ourselves and others.
The Buddha said, “we will NOT BE punished FOR our anger but BY our anger.”
If we use lashing out, avenging, or swearing as a response in stressful times, we strengthen the habit. As the habit strengthens, our tolerance weakens, and it will take less and less to upset us. Then the time and space in which to process and decide how to act will drastically decrease. And so this spiral will tighten.
A mindful attitude can reduce the duration and level of our anger. Begin by:
Reigning in the anger habit is difficult. It will take time, so be patient with yourself. Know that you will forget and react in a habitual way. Practice self-forgiveness. And remember constant practice will bring about the desired change.
May you be free from anger’s destruction.