I have just finished my longest ever retreat; about two and half months of being mostly on my own, speaking infrequently, without media, and mostly trying to immerse deeply in my practice.

Without the usual distractions, the mind and body naturally slow down and begin to turn inward. Consequently any emotional, physical, or mental issue that we might be trying unconsciously or consciously to bury under our customary busy-ness will surface. 

During one of my meditations, I was interrupted by a memory of an incident from 10 years ago.  At first, I tried pushing it away because it seemed like a nuisance, old history, and not relevant to my practise. But it kept surfacing over several sessions. The emotional intensity was strong, and it felt like it almost demanded my attention. 

When I decided to look at it, I was quite amazed at what I discovered.

It is easy to think that because I was in a meditation retreat, I could ignore or overlook feelings and emotions as irrelevant. But actually in retreat is the most powerful time to be creative and open in a non-judgmental way for all our experiences to reveal themselves. 

So when I first faced this wave of resentment and anger, I floundered.  My habit would have been to speak about it, which would only have inflamed me.  Undoubtedly a rant would have been a justification for why I was right and the other people wrong. But as I was in retreat, I couldn’t voice my feelings like normal!

So I simply sat on my meditation cushion and allowed the sadness, anger, disappointment, and feelings of abandonment to wash over me. Gradually the tightness in my chest, the burning in my throat, and the heavy sadness in my heart began to ease. As my tightly wound mind and emotions unwound, I felt lighter and cleaner.

But I was curious about the level of anger I had felt; I decided to explore my attitude and role in the episode. Before delving into it I did a few minutes of calming breath meditation.

Almost clinically, I began to scrutinize what had happened that day 10 years ago. In this analytical meditation of the situation, I asked myself questions like, ”What about this situation made me so resentful and upset?” “How could I look at it differently?” “What would be the view of the other people involved?” “Is it beneficial to keep feeling resentment?” “Who’s being most injured by holding onto it?” After each question I would hold the space for an answer to surface.

Slowly it began dawning on me that I was deeply attached to things and especially people being the way I thought they should be.  So essentially attachment was making me feel abandoned, and aversion to how things unfolded was making me angry.  Suddenly it was as if the sun broke through the fog of intense emotions and I could see clearly.

It hit me that the other people have probably completely forgotten the incident, and almost certainly don’t share my perspective of it, so I've been the only person who’s been stewing all this time.  When I put myself in their shoes, I could clearly see how and where things had gone awry that day. I even found myself smiling about it and realising we had all learnt from it because it had never happened again. And as I chose to look at it as an adventure and not a disaster, this reframing brought the greatest release.

It was a powerful experience.  By simply allowing, accepting, and then adapting, I was able to even feel some gratitude for the incident and the people.  This courageous foray into creating space for emotions showed me my blind spots, expectations, and the other places I trip myself up in my relationships, interactions, and life.

Probably the most profound change was discovering the powerful role perspective and attitude play in life experience.

The willingness to work with our own minds is profound. Aside from the benefits of growing calm, stopping agitated thoughts, feeling alert and attentive, being kind and loving, being more flexible and open, it empowers us to become courageous enough to face our inner world.  

You can do this by taking a casual and interested approach to an issue you want to deal with. This will ease anxiety.  If it’s a traumatic issue, then give yourself permission to face it for small chunks of time; revisit it as often as you feel strong enough to do so. Practise friendliness towards yourself by being kind and giving yourself a break. Speak to friend or therapist to help you grow and move on to living a happier life.

May you create space for all your life experiences. 

Happy New Year.

Whatever resolution you might have set for yourself this year, I wish you all the very best in achieving it. One of the ways we can succeed in meeting our goals is to be fully present. 

The way to be alert and aware of yourself and your surroundings is to get to know yourself.  And retreat is a powerful way of doing that.

During a retreat we cut ourselves off from the external world (as much as is possible), and redirect energy, focus and attention inwards. In a secluded and distraction-free space (no media, games, novels and so on), we attend to our emotions, thoughts, feelings, and interactions, if any. We notice the constant inner chatter, topsy-turvy mind, and emotional fluctuations.  

Being with ourselves in an open and spacious welcoming way will, over time, reveal our usually unconscious motivations, fears, and limiting beliefs.

A journey of self-discovery doesn’t necessarily have to be at a retreat center or in some exotic locale.  It can be done in the privacy and comfort of your own home (with a few minor adjustments).

Set aside a dedicated space. It’s optional, but you could set up a little table with a few inspiring items on it. These should be meaningful things that encourage you to persevere in your meditation retreat.  Sit in front of it for your meditations.

Your retreat time does not have to be spent only sitting in meditation. Of course, there are retreats with this intensity and focus.  But it is important that you structure your retreat to be as nurturing and revealing for you as you want and need.

Your self-time should include some sitting meditation practice. Focusing your mind on your breathing is a powerful healing, centering, and stabilizing tool.  You don’t have to necessarily sit in a meditation posture, but it can be helpful in preparing your mind and body for the inner journey.

Dedicate some time to absorb and process your experiences and discoveries about yourself; this can be through journaling, but it can also be simply thinking and reflecting.

If you are new to meditation then you should consider maybe doing 2 or 3 formal sitting meditation sessions of about 10 minutes each.  Before you sit down to meditate, read some inspiring, uplifting, and supportive material. Ideally your first meditation session should be before breakfast, the 2nd before lunch, and the 3rd before dinner.
    
In between sitting sessions, you can read, journal, take a walk, sit quietly, nap, or simply be in nature observing life, and your reaction or response to it.  As you are preparing your meals, dressing, showering, and so on, be mindful of what you are doing and your thoughts. 

Essentially, focus on activities that will relax you and help you connect to yourself in a new deep and clear way.  A calm and rested mind and emotions will help you see yourself, your life, and experiences in a whole different light. Make your retreat a journey of self-discovery. 
​
Friends, I will be in retreat from February until April, so for the next 3 months I won’t be publishing any articles. But check out previous years' articles on my site if you need guidance and inspiration.

May your retreat increase your mindful presence.

Holiday gift-giving can be a stressful time for many. Especially if we come from a long tradition of gifting, we may struggle to find an affordable, suitable, or meaningful gift when we are short on cash, time, and energy.

It is important to recognize that there’s a chance we may never find the perfect gift.
 
For many reasons, people may not receive in the way we would like them to. Bad feelings in challenging relationships can cause our intentions to be misinterpreted. Our gift could be disregarded simply because it comes from us, a thoughtful gift may be felt to be spiteful and shaming, or an expensive gift may be seen as showing off or trying to buy favor. 

Sometimes our own anxieties can cause us to worry that we may disappoint because our gift isn’t expensive or fancy enough, or we worry that we will be seen to be favoring some, so we’ll try to ensure all our gifts are of the same value. Or to avoid embarrassment and judgment, we’ll choose gifts beyond our financial means to gain approval, impress, or to one up someone else.

However some people don’t experience anxiety when gifting or not giving. Confident gift givers know and understand the recipient well and their choice deepens their connection. Other people reject the idea of symbolically tying holidays to obligatory giving, and minimalists choose not to consume excessively. There's a lesson here. 

Rather than just going along with social influencers' and marketing specialists’ recommendations, this holiday season we can practice skillful giving. 

When buying, giving, and receiving gifts consider:

• Know your recipient and your intention Research shows that most gift givers focus more on the “big reveal” moment, and not on the gift’s practicality. To avoid giving a gift that suits you more than the recipient think about whether it fits the person’s style, will they use it, or have space for it.  Think from the person’s perspective. Better still, notice the contents of the person’s home or office space, their clothing, favorite foods, hobbies and life choices. For instance, if your friend is overwhelmed or burdened, you can gift them a picnic at the beach, a massage, a day at a retreat center, or babysitter costs. For a special treat you could split the expense with mutual friends. The gift of a memorable, peaceful, or fun experience will deepen your connection with each other. You could also think about what emotion you’d like the gift to evoke: is it happiness, relief, peace, or some other emotion?
• Ask for suggestions. If you are at a loss on what to get, then ask the person what they would like.  If the person enjoys being surprised then ask for general rather than specific suggestions. 
• Receiving is troublesome for some people. Insecure people tend to struggle with receiving gifts because they may worry that will be obligated to reciprocate, do even better, or that they aren’t as considerate or generous as the giver.  Because giving a thoughtful gift takes planning and awareness of the recipient’s likes and dislikes or personality, this could make some people feel exposed or uncomfortable. Instead of being upset about or anxious at the response, remember and take comfort in your intention, and know that you can’t control the other person's response.
• Focus on your relationships. Draw closer to those friends who appreciate you and your company, and not solely the value of your gifts.

Perhaps the best gift is spending time with important people in our lives. Meaningful time will increase our understanding and connection with each other. True giving arises from a generous heart that spontaneously and freely gives time, energy, and care. And in return, we feel good.  
​
May you enjoy a relaxed and meaningful holiday season.

Post-election holiday gatherings are on the horizon. 

Normally stressful family gatherings are likely to be even tenser this year. In these divisive times, heightened emotions – frustration and resentment are likely to be close to the surface for many. 

So how does one keep an unflustered mind in such a pressure cooker?

The first thing to bear in mind is that in a disagreement each party believes they are right.  So there's no point in trying to change the other person's perspective. The fact is things are not as black and white as we’d like to think or believe; in reality things are nuanced and fluid.  In arguments, there’s  usually a grain of truth to both sides’ opinions.  We run the risk of creating a heated argument if we defend our opinion or explain the faults of the opposing view. 

So it is important to figure out in advance what truly matters to you in your relationships with people who hold different views to yours.

To begin ask yourself, “in my relationship with _____, what matters most to me?” Are you more interested in proving your point, convincing the other person, or showing the flaws of the other person's view? Or might your focus be more on maintaining a healthy and cordial, even if not happy, relationship with this person? Do you value this person and would you like to continue having this person in your life?

With your intention clearly in the forefront of your mind, decide in advance how you will deal with any difficult interaction at the gathering.

Prepare by considering the following suggestions:

Become comfortable with Challenges:
Usually when we face a challenge our self-defensive coping kicks in, and causes us to retreat or panic. We struggle to control our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors; in this state it is easy to lose sight of our goal of being polite or cordial. The best way to disrupt this biological evolutionary reaction is to identify in advance the triggers that will cause you to lose your calm.  

Train to be less sensitive by deliberately challenging yourself to face small uncomfortable situations.  Maybe at work spend a little time with someone who is mildly irritating to you. Pay attention to your feelings and calmly label them. This will clear and calm your mind and emotions. 

Also think about all the times in the past when you lost your temper. Is there a particular type of situation that is triggering for you? How did your body react to pressure?  What was going through your mind?  How did you feel? Probe these experiences by writing down your discoveries and reflections. 

On the day of the event, relieve stress by going for a brisk walk or to the gym, by doing yoga or meditation. Distract yourself to decrease anxiety.  Call up a friend, or dance and sing as you prepare your holiday meal.
 
Communication is more than Words:

If it will help ease your anxiety, make a list of what you will speak about.  Try practicing it in front of a mirror with a recorder, or maybe in front of a trusted friend.

Sometimes we are confused when we are misunderstood.  This occurs when we are only focused on our word choice, and on what we want to say.  Communication is more than words.

Shape your conversation around what the other person needs to hear from you rather than on what you want to say. This doesn't mean agreeing. It is about focusing more on our human need for being understood and accepted.  

Ideally this will be a reciprocal process. If it is not, then remind yourself of your intention to continue having this person in your life.  So be willing to create a space in your life for him or her.  This may require being willing to give up being right or just choosing to be quiet. Or it can simply mean listening with an open mind and heart. Remind yourself that silence is okay.   

We can also be misunderstood because our body and face may be communicating a different message than our conciliatory words. Your breathing, facial expressions, and the tension or relaxation in your body also reflect your attitude. Practice in front of the mirror or video yourself speaking, so you can become familiar with your facial and bodily expressions.

In the heat of the moment, or on the spot, you can stop a situation from escalating by bringing your mindful attention to the present moment; focus on your breathing, or the feeling of your body contacting the chair, or holding a glass.

The best way to remain calm is to enter a challenging situation knowing your triggers and your responses.

May you enjoy a peaceful family get-together.

Do you, or someone you know have the tendency to over-explain? Have you found yourself in situations where you just kept on talking especially when you were uncomfortable?

You’ve probably guessed that this habit of excessively detailing, expounding, or expanding a point you are trying to make is tied to stress. In order to relieve a perceived threat, this stress-coping technique is an unconscious attempt to behave in socially acceptable ways. We do this when we are more focused on being amenable and accommodating to others' wants and wishes.

Over-explaining is common in social settings. Those most susceptible struggle with setting boundaries, have low self-esteem, are people pleasers, feel intimidated or vulnerable, or were often misunderstood in the past when talking.  My own tendency to overshare information happens when I’m excited about something I’ve learned, and am trying to encourage others to experience it.  My good intention doesn’t always translate well.   

Over-explaining is quite literally using more words than is necessary. Instead of being pointed and direct, the person launches into long justifications for a decision.  For instance, you aren’t going to accept a birthday party invitation. Instead of just saying, “I can’t make it,” you say “I won’t be able to come because I am trying to stay away from other people.  I went out the other day and someone was coughing and now I’m not feeling well, but I don’t want to be rude. But I just can’t take the risk of being around other people.  I know you are careful, but I don’t know about the other people who’ll be attending and I am not comfortable” and so on.

Anxiety or stress combined with the nervousness of being misunderstood, disliked or upsetting another, or the need to please, be reassured or approved of will cause us to speak more than we need to. We believe that doing so makes our message clearer.  Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. 

Over-explaining is problematic, and it often has the opposite effect than intended. We may think that keeping our main point until the end will keep people interested.  Actually it makes:

• you appear insecure,
• you lose credibility and effectiveness,
• you seem out of sync with your listener,
• your message loses impact and clarity,
• your listeners become irritated, bored, and may feel like they are being treated as if they are stupid.  

To break the habit of always spelling things out or chronicling reasons in detail, we have to first overcome the need for external validation. We do this by shifting attention inwards and noticing our own thought and feeling processes.

Become Self-Aware

We gain control of external situations only by consciously managing our internal environment.

The more conscious we are of the emotions we are feeling, and the stories we are telling ourselves about stressful or new situations, the more empowered we’ll be to face them. If we know the stream of thoughts in our minds, we’ll be able to disrupt our habit of rambling explanations and reframe our internal narrative.  We can then replace mindless long-winded explanations with simple, clear, and direct messages.

We must also take time to soothe our anxiety and worry about disappointing others. Play out a scenario in your mind where you were invalidated, or misunderstood. Sit with the discomfort and painful feelings. Then acknowledge that we’ll inevitably disappoint others even when we don’t intend to.  This is life.
 
By managing how we communicate, we can rebuild our image.  When I first started promoting my business, I would answer the question, “what do you do?” with an off-the-cuff detailed description. After I wrote down the main and supporting points of my message with the understanding that I only have a limited time to answer, thereafter I was able to succinctly and clearly explain what I do.  Now it has become quite natural to answer with just a few words.   

Ask Questions

As over-explainers worry that they aren’t being clear or are being misunderstood, you can avoid talking off someone’s ear by getting into the habit of asking your listeners questions.  “Do you need more information?”  “Would you like me to continue?”  “Was that clear?”  This is a good way of receiving reassurance that you made your point.

Listen More

Learn whether your natural habit is to speak or listen and what percentage of the time that occurs. Introverts may listen 70% and speak 30% of the time, and vice versa for extroverts. Change your habit from speaking for half an hour to listening for half an hour. 

When you are speaking, watch the expressions of the people you are communicating with.  If you see they understand your point, you don’t need to say more.  You can then focus on letting them speak.

A very good approach is to think more about what your listeners need to hear and not about what you want to say.

Remember, in a conversation people can’t focus for long.  Say your main point, explain a little, and then stop talking. In this way, you’ll hold their attention.  
​
May you be heard and understood. 

How wide is your comfort zone? Is it static or changeable? What inspires change? Knowing the answers to such questions will reveal hidden aspects of yourself that sabotage progress and desired changes.  

Let’s begin with what is a comfort zone? It is a state of being relaxed in a familiar, safe environment where you experience little stress, and are effortlessly in control.

Examples of staying in one’s comfort zone are not making effort to study or exercise, always doing things the same way, remaining in unhealthy, unsatisfactory work and personal relationships, catastrophizing about all that can go wrong if you do try something new, alienating people who challenge you, and undermining your abilities through negative self-talk when you don’t want to try something new and so on.

We are naturally drawn to the status quo and known. Seeking comfort or pleasure isn’t bad, in and of itself, but when it becomes the only acceptable or tolerable way of living it becomes a millstone around our necks. Society and marketing media also promote pleasure, fun, and comfort as must haves in our cars, homes, clothes, entertainment, recreation, and experiences.  

If we subscribe to this notion of needing to always be comfortable, we’ll struggle when faced with discomfort. Fearful of encountering new circumstances, we will live circumscribed lives, constantly protecting ourselves from the things we believe we can’t deal with. 

Life isn’t only about pleasure, comfort, and safety. From experience, we know that it is filled with moments of pain and pleasure, and highs and lows. It is impossible to participate in the full range of human experience by striving to remain always in our safe place.

The problem lies in our beliefs. We believe that when things aren’t going our way, our desires aren’t being met, or something we don’t want to have happen actually happens, that these are bad or wrong.

In reality, situations are neutral in nature. What we call bad or good is actually a mental projection that is wanting things to be a certain way. When things are going according to our wish, we love it and call it good. When things are going awry and contrary to our wish, we are unhappy and call it terrible.  For instance, you are getting ready for work and you want to make coffee. You are running late, and the coffee maker doesn’t turn on, you are upset and call it a bad start to the day.  On the day you are early, and the coffee maker doesn’t turn on, you calmly discover it hasn’t been plugged in. All's okay. Or say there's just one piece of cake left.  If you are wanting it for yourself and your friend takes it, then he appears greedy.  But if you aren't interested in the cake, and he takes it, then his action isn't good or bad.  These are impartial scenarios, but based on the state of mind, it is experienced as good or bad.

To the extent that these feelings of liking and disliking rule our minds, we’ll be comfortable or uncomfortable with our life circumstances. Our minds are the key to our happiness, sense of peace, joy, freedom, adventurousness, and feeling of security.

Living always within our comfort zone denies us the opportunity to achieve our goals and make necessary changes in life.  Try out these mental strategies in advance:

• Train your mind to remain present when you face discomfort.
• Acknowledge the pain and your response to it.  Be curious.
• Notice what you are telling yourself (inner dialogue or mental story) about the situation.
• Challenge the thoughts with “Is it true?” and “How do I know?” 
• Remind yourself this is a learning opportunity and that you have coped before. 
• Recall your skills and abilities, and the support network you have around you.

Take small steps towards moving out of your safe place.

• Instead of having friends always come over to your place for a meal, go over to a friend’s place. Try out a new recipe rather than eating the same meal every day or week.
• Give yourself permission to try something new even if just for a few minutes. Sometimes we struggle with beginning something. So encouraging yourself by saying you’ll try it for a short time is often enough to get you out the door. Like agreeing to attend a party for an hour, which will give you time to warm up and then decide whether to leave or remain. Or try going out to a restaurant on your own, or talking to a stranger in a coffee shop line.
• Boost your enthusiasm by first doing something that is enjoyable and pleasurable for you.  In other words, don’t jump to the hardest, scariest, and most challenging tasks at the outset. If you want to lose weight then don’t immediately cut out all tasty foods, but instead limit treats to weekends only.  Go walking or dancing with a friend instead of jumping into a cycling class or high intensity workout right away.
• Have a buddy whom you can support and who will support you in stretching your wings. Keep in regular contact as you hold each other accountable for follow through.

​May you stretch your wings to fly free. 

We all long to belong and yet we feel like we just don’t fit in anywhere.  

Even within family, community, religious, or cultural groups, we can feel disconnected and like we stand out awkwardly. We crave to be part of a tribe and accepted as a vital part of the group. What we are seeking is deep and meaningful connection.

Belonging is hardwired into our brains.

This desire is so primal it drives our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Feeling closeness with others matters because being part of a group enables us to share our vision, goals, and values.  It’s a space for receiving and giving support, comfort, and enjoyment. It increases our motivation and health. Rapport signals acceptance which contributes to emotional wellbeing. Our social identity is tied to a group based on shared ideals and beliefs and meaningful interactions that enable us to be our authentic selves.

Conversely social exclusion and ostracism is deeply disturbing to our overall wellbeing.

Alienation leads to loneliness, inner conflict, self-doubt and depression, and can severely affect even our physical health. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology shows that our obsession with smartphones is owing to our need for connection where we can observe and be observed and accepted.   

But often this yearning to belong comes at a cost.

Our need for kinship can drive us to suppress and change who we are so that we can be approved of. The problem with hiding our true selves simply so that we fit in is that we then live on tenterhooks, fearing the day we will be discovered as a fraud. Stressful, right? Worse still, because we know we are pretending, we never feel truly connected either.

Ironically, we all engage in this behavior of trying to fit in and yet none of us stops to ask, “Exactly whose standard are we trying to live up to?” We don’t know whom we are trying to please because everyone else is also pretending. So we are like dogs chasing our own tails.

How we feel about ourselves deeply influences our relationships.

If we are alienated from our own feelings, thoughts, and ways of being through feeling shame, unworthiness, vulnerability, or fear then we will struggle to belong. Abandoning ourselves stifles and strangles parts of us, undermines our decisions, and makes us afraid to stand alone and in our truth.  Essentially it is not allowing ourselves to be our perfectly imperfect human self.

True belonging and connection are impossible without a connection to ourselves. The bedrock of meaningful relationships is based on being ourselves without apology or explanation.  All of us want to feel comfortable in our own bodies, and confident and self-trusting of who we are and our goals. Belonging is bringing our authentic self forward and owning how we dress, speak, and are.

When I was growing up, I was often told I spoke too much and shared too much ‘unwanted” information. On the faces of my listeners would be disbelief or disapproval. I would notice and cringe inwardly. For years whenever I spoke, I would notice the tendency to second guess myself or discredit what I was saying before someone else could do it.  Their judgment never stopped me from speaking, but it did create self-doubt in me. 

Such scenarios create a vicious cycle. The fear of being criticized causes one to pretend, pretending to be someone else causes us to feel unseen and rejected, which leads to fear of being with others and self-alienation.

To build a sense of belonging will take effort and consistent practice.  You begin by working on yourself and then spread it out to others as your practice deepens.

• Be yourself.  Work on giving up a sense of perfection.  Recognize that no one is perfect and that, despite outer appearances, each moment we are all struggling with health, family, work, and so on.  Know that we are all doing the best we can.  Stop judging yourself and others. Remember we all have strengths and gifts to share, so keep reminding yourself of your own and others good qualities.  Avoid blaming yourself and be kind instead as this will help you ease up on others. Understand that human beings share experiences, which is extremely powerful for helping grow compassion and kindness for ourselves and others. 
• When you are with people, focus on what’s similar or shared between you and don’t hone in on what’s different.  For example. if you disagree with someone, you could still choose to enjoy and engage another part of their personality. You can practice open acceptance (this doesn’t necessarily mean agreement) by validating their experience, and still remain open to them.  We can be different and accept each other. It’s not an either/or situation.  Be with others to connect and to enjoy an activity.  Keep bringing your mind back to something positive about the situation and people.
• Become aware of your thoughts, words, and behaviors.  Are they aligned with creating connection or separation?  Consistent mindful checking in with yourself will help you catch thoughts before they become words and actions.

​
May you find your way back to yourself.

Life is uncertain.

Any illusion we may have of being in control, or of things being solid and stable is rapidly dissolving. Governments are toppling, climate change is devastating the planet, children are mass murdering, and disease is ravaging beings.

On a smaller personal scale, we experience uncertainty as traffic jams when we are running late, or some major life-altering loss of a loved one or a terminal diagnosis.  Consequently we can live on an emotional rollercoaster of feeling optimistic one moment and blue and despairing the next.

The unknown scares us because we are afraid of not being in control and of not being able to cope with whatever arises.

So we try to control what is essentially uncontrollable. Shantideva, the 8th century Indian Buddhist philosopher said we can’t cover the whole world with leather, but if we cover our feet with leather then it is as if we’ve covered the world. His point is that we can’t control external phenomena, but if we control our own minds then it is as if we’ve controlled the external world.  

Each one of us has undoubtedly dealt with trauma that may have shaken us to our core.  Adjusting to life after trauma is not easy. While some people flounder and feel like giving up, others resolutely and determinedly keep going. 

The difference between these two responses is resilience.

Resilience is the ability to adapt to danger, loss, abuse, trauma, a health crisis, and other difficult life experiences. We experience the raw painful emotions and feelings, but they don’t topple our lives. Resilient people acknowledge their feelings and emotions but don’t let them hinder their decisions and life.

We grow tough by having a responsive mindset and by being able to take care of one’s own inner needs and external demands. Being adaptable largely depends on the way we view and interact with the world, our own coping skills, and having a good support system in place.  

With the awareness that life is unpredictable, and that we can’t control external conditions, we tackle uncertainty by preparing ourselves to be strong.

Our thinking, feelings and actions are the things within our control. The wisest approach to dealing with trauma head on is to focus energy and attention on creating a metaphorical, emotional, mental, and physical tool kit to help you confidently negotiate life’s upheavals.

You can learn to develop emotional resilience.

• To effectively face and deal with painful emotions and experiences you need to become self-aware and self-compassionate.  Self-awareness is non judgmentally acknowledging your thoughts, sensations, habits, and emotions.  Self-compassion is being kind and caring when you are facing difficulties. If you are able, in the midst of an experience, ask yourself “what am I feeling in my body and emotions?” “What do I think about this experience?” “Is this experience a repeating pattern?

 
Also impartially validate your emotions, “I’m feeling angry; it is okay to feel angry, and I’m angry because I was wrongly accused.” Validating feelings reduces stored unprocessed emotion and better prepares you to deal with new arising ones.  Try and reduce self-judgment of your experience even if you aren’t coping as well as you’d like, as that will lessen emotion, which will help you recover more quickly after the incident.  

• A positive outlook is seeing clearly – the good and bad and their effects on the circumstances, and being confident that you can withstand them.  Avoid dwelling on what’s not working, but instead shift attention to finding a workable solution, a liberating perspective, or a different approach.  

 
Mental and emotional flexibility encourage you to process the experience in different ways rather than with just one routine coping strategy. It requires mindful presence to notice what’s happening and then to try a different but appropriate strategy.

• In order to get a clear picture of the world and see yourself honestly without bias or delusion you have to be willing to face your fears.  The only way to overcome your fears is by examining and working on them.

 
In addition to fears, it is important to know your values, as it will encourage you to persevere when you’d rather give up.  In difficult times, be with people who share similar morals and on whom you can rely and also support. 

• Exercise your body and mind by keeping physically fit and by learning new things.  A balanced healthy and agile body and mind will help you healthfully handle stress and find solutions in difficult times.

 
Humour is another important stress reliever. Research shows that laughter reduces the uncertainty of stressful situations and helps with better tolerating stress.

Challenges will certainly arise but know and trust that you will survive, learn, and grow from them.

May you cope well with life’s uncertainty.

Our lives are a reflection of our choices.  

From minor insignificant to major life-altering decisions we are constantly called upon to choose – what to eat, or wear, or whether to relocate, or retire.  The simple choices are easy to make, but the important ones can leave us paralyzed in indecision or filled with regret.

Making big decisions feels riskier because they can’t be undone which can significantly ramp up anxiety.  If we feel driven to make a perfect decision, we can put so much pressure on ourselves that we end up not deciding, regretting, or obsessing over them.  Constantly doubting and reevaluating our choices robs us of peace of mind.  Second guessing our choices creates dissatisfaction.

Our personalities influence how satisfied we may be with our decisions.  Some people (satisficers) are naturally satisfied with a good enough choice that meets a set standard, whereas others (maximizers) who keep options open and explore all possibilities tend to struggle with their choice.  Regret and frustration set in for them because even after making a decision, they continue to explore options through seeking advice and validation, making comparisons, and fantasizing about different outcomes.  

Being satisfied with your decision matters because it elevates your mood and leads to greater overall contentment. Therefore when deciding, it is imperative you are clear on the reasons, your feelings, and emotional justifications for a decision.  Equally important is realizing that we may not always be 100% satisfied with a decision, but we can learn to feel okay with it.  Even if new info surfaces after you’ve made a decision, remind yourself that you made the best decision with the information you had at the time. When we are committed, we are able to justify our decision, feel confident we made the correct choice, and then stop exploring other options.

Try these steps to becoming comfortable with your decisions:

Trust your intuition
After doing homework, making pros and cons lists, and other rational processes, be sure to also connect with your body as part of the decision making process.  Depending on the options you are considering, your body will be giving you strong feedback, so pay attention to physical sensations of shallow breath,  constricted throat, nervousness, and calm, and safety.  Take time to consider these valuable forms on input too. Trust your gut instinct.

Baba Shiv, Stanford professor in neuroscience of decision making, notes that decisions are based on rationality, emotions, gut instinct, seeing yourself living with the decision, and committing to making it succeed.  
   
If you have done the homework, checked in with your body, and emotions about a decision then rest in the knowledge that you’ve empowered yourself to make the best possible decision. The next important thing is learning to trust in that process and the outcome.

Stop looking for alternatives.  
The way to commit to your choice is to stop exploring, researching, and soliciting opinions.  No matter how much advice or guidance you receive, ultimately the right choice is the one you are motivated to make successful, feels comfortable and is easiest to live with.  

To disrupt the habit of revisiting your decisions with regret, keep coming back to the present moment.   Form a mantra or affirmation that will anchor you to the now and motivate you to be happy with your choice.

A final thought – the correctness of a choice is determined by what we do in the period after choosing as much as the act of making the choice. 
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May you find peace in your choices. 

How often are you torn between doing what you want to do and doing what you have to do?

Life can feel overwhelming because we are so regularly pulled in many directions at the same time. We lead complicated lives balancing work, family, and the myriad demands of simply being alive – cooking, eating, maintaining our cars and homes, educating ourselves, and so on.  Each hour of the day is filled with tasks which can make us feel like a juggler with way too many balls in the air.

The effect of this overload is that we suffer mental, emotional, and physical stress. These manifest as feeling unfulfilled and unhappy, with ailing bodies, and unsettled, distracted minds.

Society encourages us to ceaselessly pursue what’s bigger, better, brighter, and bling-ier.  And we personally may be so focused on chasing praises, raises, recognition, and position that we end up living mindlessly.  If we aren’t tuned into ourselves and our lives, then we are effectively absent from them, and before we know it, we will be old and ill and waiting out our days.  

Everything comes at a price. The things we do, think, own, feel, and say all take up space in our minds, homes, schedules, bank accounts, and relationships – they profoundly affect our lives. 

To regain energy, enthusiasm, and peace, we have to work on simplifying life.

Last month’s article was on decluttering your environment which is a very important part of simplifying life. Essentially the less you own the less you have to worry about; there’ll be fewer things to repair, to protect, to maintain, and to fill up your home.  For instance, if someone said, “a car on your street was stolen” you won’t be as concerned because you don’t own a car.  However, if you did own a car, you’d be worried.  We underestimate the effect that possessions have on our mind and emotions. Releasing unnecessary things leads to relief and a feeling of lightness.

Simplifying life has many facets to it.  It includes things like fewer possessions, fewer time commitments, meaningful goals, lower debt, heartfelt relationships, and a healthy lifestyle.

Become clear on what matters to you.  This will help you prioritize how to efficiently fulfill your obligations and leave time and energy to enjoy the things you want to do. It will also energize you to take advantage of opportunities, to meaningfully connect with people you want to be with, and to spend quality time alone.

Ask yourself what can I remove from my life that is distracting me from focusing on the important things?

As usual, not all these suggestions will be achievable right away.  But simply making the effort will give you a boost of confidence and energy.  So go at your own pace and motivate yourself by remembering your reason for streamlining your life.  Take it a day at a time.

Practice Being  

Many of us don’t know how to just be because we are always busy doing.  Train yourself not to do and to simply be.  This isn’t easy.  It is something you will need to practice on a daily basis until it becomes habit. Like you would with any other important appointment, schedule time in your day just to relax in the garden watching the trees sway and the clouds changing shape, look at the birds and insects getting ready for the spring, walk and feel your body in motion (put aside the podcasts and chats), or drink a cup of tea and taste its flavor. 

Being gives you the space to stop thinking, pondering, and ruminating and just to observe, feel, hear, smell, taste and, well, simply enjoy.

Prioritize Your Time

Some people thrive on overloaded schedules.  When I first came to the US, I met a woman who seemed to be constantly on the run doing a million things. I was impressed with her because she came across as a go getter and a person in high demand. My only experience had been with people who went to work or school, and who always had time to hang out or relax. I had mistakenly believed that being busy and having a full calendar were signs of being popular and successful. With years of experiencing the Bay Area lifestyle and trying to resist its hectic pace, I now know the danger of wasting our precious time on meaningless activities.  

Time is valuable. And I don't need to remind you that it’s impossible to regain.

Be aware of the time you are losing when you are mindlessly lost in video games, social media, television, and so on.  These activities may feel relaxing, but they are actually draining because they are so addictive and hypnotizing. One interesting theory about excessive television viewing is that while it may relax the body, the constant visuals and sudden noises can cause the brain to go into survival mode. Not a relaxing state.

Therefore only schedule those things that will help you live according to your priorities and values.  Also avoid wasting time complaining, wishing, and dreaming things were different, but begin taking manageable steps to make change happen in your life.

Manage your Money

Live within your means.  Don’t keep up with the Joneses.  Don’t have champagne tastes on a beer budget.  These are old and funny but wise sayings.  

Debt drags you down and can become a black hole that sucks up your mental and emotional strength. To live a simple life, it is imperative that you manage your financial situation. Decide and commit to controlling your spending.  Think over your life and your life choices to figure out what is necessary and what is not. If you are clear on your life goals and your priorities, then you will be able to create a budget and keep to it much more easily. You will also have to be strong in the face of temptation or coercion, so be prepared by having a response or strategy ready to deal with these situations.  

When you simplify your life, you create space for the things that matter most. Owning, doing, thinking, and worrying less frees you to spend time on meaningful things.

May you find peace in living a simple life.