How to Get to Know Yourself

Last month’s article discussed techniques on accepting oneself.  For those who might be struggling with the concept of self-acceptance, let’s go back one step and first get to know who we are.

This might sound strange. Most of us think we know ourselves, but actually our self-knowledge is mostly superficial. We know our appearance, profession, gender, favorite foods, pastimes, and activities.  But we may struggle with recognizing connected patterns of behavior and emotions, or with remaining present with our feelings and thoughts during stressful times.  We may regularly repress, avoid, ignore feelings and emotions, or we may not know what we are feeling or thinking or our motivation/intention at any given time. In other words, we are mostly absent from ourselves.

Self-awareness or knowing oneself is understanding how our feelings and thoughts affect our behavior and relationships with ourselves and others in the world. The heart of wisdom is clearly grasping that your internal world (feelings, emotions, thoughts) and external world (family, work, social relationships) influence each other. This is also called emotional intelligence.

Living with self-awareness (i.e. being yourself or being authentic) is the key to being happy, energetic, passionate, successful, and fulfilled.

Knowing ourselves empowers us to:

• Understand what we control and don’t control. In challenging situations, this knowledge helps shift focus to things we are able to change rather than endlessly worrying and ruminating.
• Manage our behavior so we can build meaningful and successful relationships. Awareness of the influence of our thoughts and emotions on our behavior, perspective, and ability to see clearly will change our actions and speech so we prioritize what’s important.
• Live our values like kindness, truth, loyalty, morals etc. which then shape our decisions. Consequently we are less likely to feel inner conflict between doing one thing and saying another, or being impulsive and reactive, and we are better able to withstand outside influence and pressure.
• Be compassionate and tolerant.  Understanding our own struggles increases our ability to be kind and patient with others’ suffering.

The researched benefits of self-awareness are improved relationships, better mood and emotion management, improved self-esteem, success, and productivity, and a greater understanding of your needs and wants and your ability to attain them.  

We can cultivate a practice of deepening our self-knowledge through exploring new interests and activities or discovering our deepest feelings.  Below are more ideas to get you started.

• To know yourself means having the strength or willingness to be vulnerable and to look at oneself honestly. Uncovering our weaknesses or growth areas removes the darkness of ignorance and shines a light on the dark corner of ourselves. Knowing what isn’t working is hugely empowering because you are then in the position to change things.

• Along with strength and vulnerability, you’ll also need to be adventurous and flexible.  The best way to discover parts of yourself is to get out of your comfort zone and do something new. If it feels right and you have fun or learn despite some challenges then that’s a good indicator it works for you.
• We go through a wide range of emotions in a day.  Get into the habit of checking in with them throughout the day.  It can be as simple as asking yourself, “What am I feeling right now?”  Doing this will help you know what you are experiencing in the moment, and will prevent unresolved emotions like resentment, shame, and guilt from rearing up when you least expect it.  In this way, you will also manage reactivity, so you can make conscious decisions in your dealings and relationships
• To break unhelpful recurring patterns, regularly reflect on your life experiences. Introspection is looking at your attitudes, beliefs, motivations, and feelings to understand how they influence you and your world.  For instance, at my volunteer gig recently, I noticed myself hardening towards a well-dressed coiffed woman who stood at her door and asked me to carry the food bank grocery boxes into her house.  A flash of awareness is all you need to arrest your mind from growing resentful and upset.
• Acknowledge and respect your innate tendencies.  If you are punctual, spontaneous, or quiet, then recognize and accept these aspects of your personality rather than trying to be different from who you are.  Notice and be especially mindful of the moments we wish we were different, or we covet and yearn to be like someone on social media, or we look at ourselves in the mirror with despair and frustration.  We can use these moments to see how our thoughts affect our emotions and motivation.
• Get to know what is meaningful and valuable to you. Notice strong responses and resonances to things, experiences, and even role models. For example, do you enjoy helping, sharing information, or bringing a smile to someone’s face?  Do you value honesty, responsibility, adventure, acceptance, curiosity, growth, recognition, freedom and so on? Be sensitive to the things that inspire you and those that drain you. Become clear on these pillars of your inner self as they are crucial in making decisions and reaching goals.
• Pay attention to your beliefs. Our beliefs shape how we live, the things we do and don’t do, and who we identify and connect with, so it is very important to become clear about them and the role they play in our lives.    
• Meditating is a wonderful way to get to know yourself.  Spending quiet time with yourself, without judgement and with openness will lead you to profound self-knowledge.

​Self-discovery can bring up painful feelings and memories, so be compassionate with yourself, and go slowly if you need.  Try to be with the process without judgment and with detached observation as much as possible. This is where curiosity comes in very handy.  The effort self-knowledge requires is big, but it is a very good investment because knowing ourselves will help us move through life with greater ease. 

May truly knowing yourself bring you peace and happiness.

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