Belonging and Connecting

We all long to belong and yet we feel like we just don’t fit in anywhere.  

Even within family, community, religious, or cultural groups, we can feel disconnected and like we stand out awkwardly. We crave to be part of a tribe and accepted as a vital part of the group. What we are seeking is deep and meaningful connection.

Belonging is hardwired into our brains.

This desire is so primal it drives our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Feeling closeness with others matters because being part of a group enables us to share our vision, goals, and values.  It’s a space for receiving and giving support, comfort, and enjoyment. It increases our motivation and health. Rapport signals acceptance which contributes to emotional wellbeing. Our social identity is tied to a group based on shared ideals and beliefs and meaningful interactions that enable us to be our authentic selves.

Conversely social exclusion and ostracism is deeply disturbing to our overall wellbeing.

Alienation leads to loneliness, inner conflict, self-doubt and depression, and can severely affect even our physical health. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology shows that our obsession with smartphones is owing to our need for connection where we can observe and be observed and accepted.   

But often this yearning to belong comes at a cost.

Our need for kinship can drive us to suppress and change who we are so that we can be approved of. The problem with hiding our true selves simply so that we fit in is that we then live on tenterhooks, fearing the day we will be discovered as a fraud. Stressful, right? Worse still, because we know we are pretending, we never feel truly connected either.

Ironically, we all engage in this behavior of trying to fit in and yet none of us stops to ask, “Exactly whose standard are we trying to live up to?” We don’t know whom we are trying to please because everyone else is also pretending. So we are like dogs chasing our own tails.

How we feel about ourselves deeply influences our relationships.

If we are alienated from our own feelings, thoughts, and ways of being through feeling shame, unworthiness, vulnerability, or fear then we will struggle to belong. Abandoning ourselves stifles and strangles parts of us, undermines our decisions, and makes us afraid to stand alone and in our truth.  Essentially it is not allowing ourselves to be our perfectly imperfect human self.

True belonging and connection are impossible without a connection to ourselves. The bedrock of meaningful relationships is based on being ourselves without apology or explanation.  All of us want to feel comfortable in our own bodies, and confident and self-trusting of who we are and our goals. Belonging is bringing our authentic self forward and owning how we dress, speak, and are.

When I was growing up, I was often told I spoke too much and shared too much ‘unwanted” information. On the faces of my listeners would be disbelief or disapproval. I would notice and cringe inwardly. For years whenever I spoke, I would notice the tendency to second guess myself or discredit what I was saying before someone else could do it.  Their judgment never stopped me from speaking, but it did create self-doubt in me. 

Such scenarios create a vicious cycle. The fear of being criticized causes one to pretend, pretending to be someone else causes us to feel unseen and rejected, which leads to fear of being with others and self-alienation.

To build a sense of belonging will take effort and consistent practice.  You begin by working on yourself and then spread it out to others as your practice deepens.

• Be yourself.  Work on giving up a sense of perfection.  Recognize that no one is perfect and that, despite outer appearances, each moment we are all struggling with health, family, work, and so on.  Know that we are all doing the best we can.  Stop judging yourself and others. Remember we all have strengths and gifts to share, so keep reminding yourself of your own and others good qualities.  Avoid blaming yourself and be kind instead as this will help you ease up on others. Understand that human beings share experiences, which is extremely powerful for helping grow compassion and kindness for ourselves and others. 
• When you are with people, focus on what’s similar or shared between you and don’t hone in on what’s different.  For example. if you disagree with someone, you could still choose to enjoy and engage another part of their personality. You can practice open acceptance (this doesn’t necessarily mean agreement) by validating their experience, and still remain open to them.  We can be different and accept each other. It’s not an either/or situation.  Be with others to connect and to enjoy an activity.  Keep bringing your mind back to something positive about the situation and people.
• Become aware of your thoughts, words, and behaviors.  Are they aligned with creating connection or separation?  Consistent mindful checking in with yourself will help you catch thoughts before they become words and actions.

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May you find your way back to yourself.

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